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2009 National Conference Program - PCA/ACA

Mullets, banjos, and stills galore, oh my! You're running for president, yet your only experience has been as the governor of a small, backward state with a population of drunken hillbillies riding around in pickup trucks.

The main streets of your capital city, Little Rock, are something out of Li'l Abner , with buxom underage girls in their cutoff denims prancing around in front of Jethro and Billy Bob, while corncob-pipe-smoking, shotgun-toting grannies fire indiscriminately at runaway hogs. The Deep South: home of corrupt, fat redneck sheriffs , shotgun-toting hillbillies , moonshiners , The Klan , tobacco-chawin' Good Ol' Boys missing half their teeth, and all other manner of Small-Town Tyrants and Lower-Class Louts , not to mention fire-and-brimstone preachers , iron-bound matriarchs , white-suited plantation owners , Confederate revanchists , Southern Belles in either flouncy gowns in period works or short-shorts with crop tops in more modern ones , and possums.

Some Kissing Cousins and other forms of Hillbilly Incest could also be in the mix somewhere. Although the real mid-Southern and Southeastern United States has a far wider range of locales and settings, the Deep South as it appears on TV is usually one tiny rural town after another, separated by miles of farmland, desert, or steep, forested mountainsides.

If you're a liberal urbanite from one of the coasts , then this is probably the last place on Earth you'd ever want to visit. In fact, it will be the last place on Earth you'll ever go to if you piss off the locals, since everyone — including the tobacco-chewing sheriff who glowered at you in the gas station — is quite happy to make your godless, yuppie ass disappear if they take a dislike to your demeanor. The only people in the Deep South who don't carry guns are the axe- or chainsaw-wielding serial killers.

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